


al1

by Anonymous



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Yoon Jeonghan-centric, past jeongcheol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22596526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: 5 times jeonghan felt alone and 1 time he didn’t
Kudos: 31
Collections: Anonymous





	al1

It starts with Seokmin.

Jeonghan stands on the subway platform when he receives a message notification. Even under the flickering light, he can still hear it in Seokmin’s voice.

An exuberant and familiar voice— _hey hyung, heard you might visit?_

His thumb hovers over the notification and sways. Jeonghan’s a little exhausted. Work’s been a little too much. The loneliness has been a little too much. Sometimes Seokmin can be a little too much, but the tug of familiarity in this foreign city is much too enticing.

So Jeonghan strains his eyes and replies: _yeah, I might_.

_Awesome!_

_How have you been?_

His eyes burn in the dim lighting. It’s a loaded question, and Jeonghan doesn’t know how much Seokmin wants to know. He doesn’t know how much he wants to admit. He just knows he wants familiarity and someone to pat him on the back.

So he pushes through and replies: _a little difficult lately, working on a few new proposals_

There’s a little speech bubble as he waits for the younger’s response.

_New proposals on?_

Jeonghan lets go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding and replies: _We’re starting up a new department and there’s a lot of paperwork that goes into it_

Jeonghan breathes in. The light flickers off, but the screen is bright enough. His eyes burn again, and this time he feels the tears build at the corner of his eyes. He starts typing again— _I’ve never done this, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m scare of fucking up, I’m lonely, I miss you, I miss everyone,_

Seokmin beats him to the send button.

_That doesn’t sound too bad!_

Jeonghan deletes everything and replies: _haha, yeah, I’ll figure it out_

The subway light flickers back on. He rubs the tiredness from his face. The back of his hand comes off wet but his eyes are dry.

_I’m sure you will hyung ^o^)/_

_You always do amazing!_

The train arrives.

_Thanks Minnie~ <3 _

The doors slide open. Jeonghan gets on and lets it take him anywhere.

(If he had just been a little more honest, Jeonghan would have received a frantic phone call— _hyung, are you okay? Do you need me to come over? I’ll fly over! Can I help you with anything? I’ll—I’ll send you a care package! I’ll mail myself over!_

He might have cried on the platform but at least, he would have had someone to cry with.

Instead, Seokmin prepares for Jeonghan to visit with a big smile and a sure heart that his Jeonghan-hyung will work everything out.

After all, his dearest friend has always made everything work.)

\---

Alright, it’s not fair to say it started with Seokmin.

Joshua is also alone yet he just seems to be doing so much better.

“ _You know you can’t compare us like that_ ,” Joshua says, and Jeonghan complains.

He whines and complains and gripes. But with each word out of his mouth, he wonders why he can’t take it yet Joshua can. So he backpedals. He trivializes it because he doesn’t want to seem weak. Not to Joshua who seems so strong.

“ _I can’t do what you did Hannie_ ,” Joshua says. “ _Either in LA or in Seoul, I have family. You’re all on your own, and you’re so picky with friends._ ”

The tone is teasing. It’s always teasing with Joshua, but Jeonghan doesn’t hear it that way. He knows he doesn’t hear anything the way he should anymore.

But he hears the criticism.

 _Why did you go somewhere you don’t have support? You could have stayed at home. Why can’t you just open up to people? It would make your life so much easier if you could just make friends like the rest of us_.

Joshua would never say anything like that, but Jeonghan does. He scolds himself all the time.

Even the worst lie sounds real after it circles in his head. And the lies to himself are no different.

“I’m only picky ‘cause you set the bar too high,” Jeonghan says instead of anything he wants to say. He hears Joshua laugh. And he smiles.

This is enough. He can still get Joshua to laugh. That is enough.

They say their goodnights and good days, and Jeonghan tries to go to bed. The mean words continue to circle in his mind but now, they’re in Joshua’s voice.

(If he had just been a little more honest, Joshua would have stayed on the phone— _I have in hands free calling in my car for a reason, LA traffic sucks, Jeonghan, talk to me, haha, it’s kind of nice to know we’re both trying to figure this out, call me more often, okay? We can get through this together._

He would have fallen asleep to his friend’s voice— _we’re not alone, we’re doing okay, we’re going to be okay, am I ASMR now? Goodnight Jeonghan_.

Instead, Joshua goes to work and gets chewed out by his superior. Joshua smiles and takes it. At night, he lays in bed wondering why Jeonghan seems to be okay when Joshua has been having such a hard time.

But he has so much confidence that Jeonghan will figure everything out. His dear friend always does.)

\---

To be honest, it’s not just Joshua either.

“Oh, please,” Jeonghan shrugs. His coworker smiles at him sheepishly as he taps 4 minutes on the microwave. He says the next part in Korean. “I’ll just use it after you.”

“How have you been, hyung?” his coworker responds. It’s stilted with the stresses on the wrong sounds, but it’s still home.

Junhui works with him. He’s also from another country. Sure, he’s worked here for a little longer than Jeonghan has, but it’s hard to imagine Junhui having a hard time.

“But it was,” Junhui insists. He looks away from the microwave and to Jeonghan with wide eyes. “When I first go to Seoul, things were really hard. Then I move to Singapore, then to Beijing, then to Los Angeles, and well, now I’m here.”

“So the more I move, the more I’ll get used to it,” Jeonghan says dryly. It was nice to speak Korean to someone even if Junhui had trouble articulating and switched to English more times than not. Jeonghan still hangs onto each Korean syllable like a lifeline. “I’m not really hoping to move around other than maybe one day move back home.”

“It not get easier each time,” Junhui says, brandishing his chopsticks. “You move and then you just do what you need to do.”

“That’s pretty amazing though,” Jeonghan laughs. “How do you do it?”

“You just do what you need to,” Junhui shrugs. The microwave beeps and he turns his attention back to his heated lunch. “Want to join me for lunch?”

“It’s okay,” Jeonghan says in Korean. “I still have some work I need to finish up.”

“Take it easy,” Junhui says in English, waving with his chopsticks hand. Without a backward glance, he walks out of the breakroom with his glass tupperware.

And the moments over.

Jeonghan takes his salad out of the refrigerator and walks back to his desk.

(If he had just been a little more honest, Junhui would explain with the help of Baidu translate: _no, I’m still lonely, I still have days I just don’t want to be here, I miss my family too, I call my mom every night I can, oh hyung, you do what you need to do to get through your day, you know what, if you ever need a friend, call me okay?_

They might have had an embarrassing moment in the office breakroom— _yoh Jun, are you making the new guy cry?—_ but Jeonghan might have walked back to his desk with plans to find some good homey Korean food on the weekend.

Instead, Junhui thinks of how cool Jeonghan was to be so adventurous and not seek home in every way shape or form he could. Junhui looks down at his _mala mapo tofu_ and laughs at himself a little. No matter how many places he moves to, Junhui always immediately searches for a Chinese restaurant that reminds him of home and his mother’s cooking.

Junhui’s pretty sure Jeonghan will figure it out. After all, he’s doing a lot better than Junhui was when he first arrived in the United States.)

\---

Honestly, it didn’t start with Junhui.

Seungcheol had been his boyfriend for a year at that point.

“I think we should break up,” Jeonghan said, seemingly out of the blue. At least to Seungcheol it must have seemed sudden. Even though Jeonghan had been thinking about it for weeks. “I’m moving overseas for work, and you’ve told me before you could never accept a long-distance relationship.”

“I did say that,” Seungcheol admitted. Jeonghan remembered the look of resignation just as clearly as he remembered the first time this issue came up.

 _I don’t think long distance relationships work_ , Seungcheol had said, finishing a movie about a successful cross-continental relationship. Stroking the other’s hair quietly, Jeonghan waited for his boyfriend to continue. _My best friend’s ex cheated on him when she was overseas but strung him on for years. I hated to see what that did to him. The distance makes the heart forgetful._

When the opportunity to work in New York presented itself, Jeonghan knew this would the end of him and Seungcheol. For weeks, he called his friends, talked out all his feelings, and tried to find a reasonable counterargument. Anything that he could grasp to maybe change Seungcheol’s mind. 

The overwhelming response from his friends had been: _he’s gotta want it, if he wants this relationship to work, Seungcheol’s gotta want to do the long distance too, this is also up to him._

For two people who’ve only been officially together for a year, Jeonghan couldn’t find a reasonable, logical argument to ask him to wait so he did what his brain told him to do: let him go.

“I’m leaving soon,” Jeonghan said. Seungcheol nodded— _when?_ “I’m leaving at the end of this month. Do you want to break up now or break up then?”

“Well, probably now,” Seungcheol responded. His voice was scratchy. And even though Jeonghan was the one who asked, he felt a slight pang of sadness at the answer.

“I like you a lot, Cheol,” Jeonghan let himself confess. “You’re a great guy.”

“Ouch, I hear the _it not you, it’s me_ ,” Seungcheol laughed. He turned away. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around then.”

Jeonghan watched him walk away quietly because, well, he had been cruel enough.

(If he had been a little more honest, Seungcheol might have whispered, _do you want to try? I don’t know if this is going to work out or break my heart, but I think I know you enough to want to try, I think I like you enough to want to try this long distance thing, ‘cause the saying is distance makes the heart fonder, right?_

They might have tried this. Jeonghan might have had another pair of hands to help him pack and a warm voice to soothe the fears during too quiet nights— _you’re going to be great, I love you_.

But maybe they wouldn’t have made it. It’s hard to say now.

Instead, Seungcheol held in his tears until he got on the subway platform, running the last couple steps down the stairs just in time to watch the subway leave. He couldn’t hold Jeonghan back. If Jeonghan didn’t want to try, Seungcheol wasn’t going to cling on. After all, if you love someone, you let them go.

Even a year later, Seungcheol knows Jeonghan must be doing amazing. He just hopes that the next time he sees his ex, he can also tell Jeonghan that he’s been doing well too.)

\---

But to say it started with Seungcheol is not true either.

“New York City,” Jihoon said dumbfounded. The younger almost dropped his coffee when Jeonghan casually announced it as they sat down at the café. “You. You, Yoon Jeonghan, want to go overseas to America.”

“Something like that,” Jeonghan shrugged. He played with his ceramic coffee cup, tracing the inside curve of the handle. “It’s just a really good experience, and I think it could be a really meaningful experience.”

“You don’t even like going out to eat alone,” Jihoon said. He was staring at the elder with disbelief. “And here you’re saying you want to go to _America_ alone.”

“It’s for work!” Jeonghan sighed dramatically. “You don’t think I’m professional enough to keep it together?”

“But it’s not just being professional, living in a foreign country isn’t just about work,” Jihoon argued. The younger opened his mouth to continue, but Jeonghan watched Jihoon breathe out slowly. “You’re right. You can do it.”

“You think so?”

“I always think you will manage to get your way,” Jihoon said with a nonchalant shrug. “After all, you’re good with people.”

“You think so?”

“Now, you’re just fishing for compliments,” Jihoon said deadpan.

“And what if I am?” Jeonghan laughed.

“I will leave,” Jihoon threatened.

“You would not,” Jeonghan challenged, and Jihoon only smiled in agreement. “After all, I’m the one who’s leaving soon.”

“How soon?”

“End of the summer in August,” Jeonghan answered. “It’s actually a little stressful to think about moving all the way to New York.”— _and to think about leaving everyone at home, leaving all the structure that I’ve managed to build, leaving everything I know for a place I’ve only seen in movies—_

“You’ll figure it out hyung,” Jihoon said. “I believe in you.”

“Thanks,” Jeonghan said. He watched Jihoon take a sip of his coffee and changed the subject. “So how are your students?”

(If he had been a little more honest, Jihoon would have admitted: _I’ve studied abroad and it was hard, you don’t have a support system and everything starts from scratch, and I worry about you hyung, but I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t want you to go, I’m just going to miss you a lot._

Jeonghan might have tried to squeeze out some more affectionate words, and Jihoon might have surprised Jeonghan with unending promises to keep in touch and to walk through any concerns Jeonghan might have.

Instead, Jihoon left the café an hour later like scheduled. He decided he wouldn’t worry Jeonghan with anything. Working in New York would be an eye-opening experience and Jihoon doesn’t want to be the one to put a damper on it.

Jihoon knows Joenghan can figure anything out. For as lazy as his friend can seem, Jeonghan is ambitious in his own strange way.)

\---

~~+1~~

He doesn’t have this moment just yet because Jeonghan is still not honest with his friends or himself.

He’s not alone. He’s never been alone. But he feels this way because he’s too scared to reach out.

He doesn’t want his friends to think he’s weak for making a decision to go somewhere and then crying about how lonely it is. He doesn’t want his friends to think he’s weak for not being able to do the things he wants to—his projects are going at a snails pace and his English is passable at best. He just doesn’t want to be looked down on because he was the one who made this decision to go.

His friends have all the best intentions because Jeonghan is strong—they know he is. And he is. He really is a strong person.

But he doesn’t feel strong and there’s no one to tell him otherwise. Everyone thinks he already knows.

But one day, Jeonghan will be honest with his friend and himself. One day, they’ll be surprised to hear how much they played a part in the confidence Jeonghan held himself with.

But that is one day.

Today, Jeonghan reschedules his flight and sends multiple _I’m sorry_ messages home. The project is going to take longer than they expected, and Jeonghan can’t go home. 

So today, he still feels alone.

But he's okay though. He always will be. Don't worry.

_I'll be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> these are just some thoughts i've had for a while 
> 
> sometimes loneliness really is something i've created for myself. i don't need to be but i have a hard time saying anything. 
> 
> my friends are good people and they've never tried to make me feel alone. i'm the one who does it to myself. 
> 
> and sorry jeonghan for doing this to you.


End file.
